NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

 To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your
 failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern
 yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
 effective today.
 Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
 over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which
 she does not fancy. Your new prime
 minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who
 have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders)
 will appoint a minister for America without the need for further
 elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will
 be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
 To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
 rules are introduced with immediate effect:

 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

 Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
 amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'
 will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the
 letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise,
 you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You
 will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee')
 and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".
 You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g.
 Edinburgh.
 You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope
 with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
 acceptable levels.
 Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with
 filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
 inefficient form of communication. Look up
 "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show.
 If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have
 chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have
 to use bad language as often.

 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
 your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
 of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.

 It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
 upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
 learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
 "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking
 about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
 England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
 Devonshire, all American States will become "shires"
 e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
 good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
 English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red
 Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American
 audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political
 incorrectness.

 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
 but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
 confused and give up half way through.

 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
 football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
 game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
 borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.
 You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
 football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.
 It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
 allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does
 not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full
 kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a
 US Rugby sevens side by 2005.
 You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event
 called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
 America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
 your borders, your error is understandable.
 Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called
 "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,
 collector cards or hotdogs.

 7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer
 be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a
 vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to
 handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish
 to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
 national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
 own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
 All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
 driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
 metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
 Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
 humour.

 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
 are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while
 in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you
 insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips
 are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to
 chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be
 trained to be more aggressive with customers.

 11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
 tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
 doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

 12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
 beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter
 will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted
 provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known
 as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's
 Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser
 company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's
 Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000
 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

 13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
 will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
 former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA
 and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US
 gallon - get used to it).

 14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
 or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
 that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be
 handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without
 suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough
 to handle a gun.

 15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

 16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly
 to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

 Thank you for your co-operation

Webmasters Note: A new variant attributed to British humorist John Cleese has revived interest in a Net satire first circulated in November 2000 poking fun at the Bush/Gore presidential election debacle. Dubbed the "Notice of Revocation of Independence," it ribs Americans for their "failure to elect a competent president" and announces a new regime under British dominion: "Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy." Cleese didn't really write it, of course, but it's no less hilarious for that.

Personally I am sure everyone who has used Microsoft products is fully aware of how often we are all reminded that only American spelling is correct. There is a lot of hidden truth, that many living outside of American feel that Americanization is imposed on them.